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[ Words of affirmation in wolf's clothing. Bickering as a bespoke love gesture. All combined for the weirdest shared flirt language ever invented. ]

Well, yes, I very well could take the time to use a dead language. I could write it in invisible ink. I could put it in a secret compartment or lock it in a safe.

[ Maybe he has done that for something, somewhere, sometime. Who truly knows. As options go, they all sound very fun and exciting and ~noir~.

He does a fruity twirling his hand upward for emphasis gesture. ]

But I learned shorthand.

[Crowley listens to all of this with a shit-eating grin on his face.]

Exactly!

[This what his point all along, thank you!!]

You could've done all that, but you didn't, you learned some silly little fake language 'cause humans did it first. [There's a few incoherent noises as he waves a hand around, casting out for the words and not quite finding them.] I can't stand you.

[I can't stand you sounds an awful lot like I love you.]

[ Aziraphale has room in his heart to be both still mystified about why this is the whole point at all, it's just a thing he did versus things he didn't do, and also pleased he apparently totally got to said point by stating them.

He has room in his heart to be pleased about almost anything if Crowley is going to say it about him with that face and in that tone of voice, though, so. Maybe he'll just feel like a confused cat that happened to walk into a sunbeam about it. ]

You're ridiculous. [ And if that comes out a bit softened, fond, a bit I love you back, that's Aziraphale's business.

Insufferable, honestly. ] I thought you liked fake little human languages, anyway. They're a bit of fun.

[ Real secret agent nonsense. ]

[It does not, at any point, occur to Crowley that Aziraphale could have been offended about anything he said, mostly on account of trusting that Aziraphale knows him well enough to know that if he wanted to insult him, he'd do it properly.

There's also the part of him that assumes Aziraphale knows he's head over heels in love with him and is just too polite to say anything about it.]

That's different. [Very pointed. He even points.] It's different when I do it.

[No he will not elaborate <3]

[ LAUGHS. Not a whole laugh, more like a singular ha! that bubbles up. Teetering dangerously close to a harrumph, even.

Bitch! Please! ]

How, precisely, is it any different when you're doing it?

[Crowley puts on a haughty sort of attitude that he's copying almost entirely from Aziraphale. Because he's a bitch.]

If you don't already know, I'm not sure I could explain it to you.

[ Aziraphale takes it all back, he is filing for divorce. ]

Oh, then I suppose I'll be left to draw my own ignorant conclusion that you're a bit-- what was it? [ He did not forget. ] Ah. Twee about something yourself.

[You accuse Miette of being twee???

Play it cool, Crowley.]

Please, I'm a demon, I've never been twee in my entire existence.

If you've got a better word in mind, by all means. But "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet," don't you think?

[ Reddit is it gay to quote Shakespeare at your rival while you bicker about his theoretical tweeness? This is a time-critical question. ]

Oh, don't quote bloody Shakespeare at me.

[Especially Romeo and Juliet.

Hm. Can he force Aziraphale to watch the Baz Luhrmann version? Much to think about.]

It's — it's cool and mysterious when I do it. 'Cause I'm a demon.

[Protip: if you have to assert that you're cool and mysterious, you're not cool and mysterious.]

[ Aziraphale does the Aziraphale equivalent of >:3c for getting called out on his Shakespeare. ]

Very cool and mysterious, yes. I'm sure. [ It's hard to be a person who simultaneously thinks Crowley is very suave and mysterious and also a ridiculous idiot. Aziraphale must bear this burden with honor.

He uses his armrest so he can prop his chin on his hand like a textbook fascinated observer. No he does not know what love language this even is. ] And having some fun with it, I think.

[What if he just pretends Aziraphale said that he's very cool and mysterious without the underlying hint of teasing and sarcasm. What if that.]

Fun? I've never heard of it. Demons don't have fun.

[That's a lie on so many levels. Most demons find it fun to do things like murder and torture.]

[ The audacity. ]

You've had fun with me. [ 🥺 ] And you like your driving and, and criticizing the lead actors whenever we go to shows. You always have fun with that. And fashion! You were just saying half the fun of fashion was figuring out the next thing when the old one doesn't work!

[ Babe!!! We're planning to get stoned and spend a whole evening sitting around and talking at some point! What is that if not fun? Why deny the appeal of a silly little secret code language?

He's not touching on demons as a whole because of said murder and torture connotations. Some of them definitely would have considered Crowley's public destruction a hoot, so they can jog off or whatever people say these days. ]

[Crowley tries very hard to keep a straight face and manages it for about half of Aziraphale's little rant, but eventually he cracks and starts laughing.]

Alright, alright, you've seen through my clever lies.

[Now he's just being silly, but like, openly silly, not pretending to be serious.]

I suppose there's one or two things that're fun.

[Most of them involve Aziraphale.]

[ Aziraphale could get huffy with Crowley for being the meanest and rudest, or he could feel very vindicated that he's now doubly right because aha, Crowley is laughing. And Crowley has a nice laugh. It always reminds Aziraphale of ducks, which is a net positive. ]

I dare say you've dabbled, yes. [ One or two. Indeed. ] Not to worry. Secret's safe with me.

[ Crowley twee about shorthand, confirmed (not confirmed literally at all). ]

So I've no need to worry about you sending word back to Hell that I've dabbled?

[Things that he didn't intend to sound like a euphemism but do kind of sound like a euphemism.]

[ Pff. ]

Your hypothetical dabbling is very much not their business. I established that with all due panache.

[ Swoopy hand gesture. For the panache. ]

Dreadful conversationalists, anyway. You ought to be able to dabble to your heart's content in privacy.

[ As long as it lasts. But. No point thinking about it like that, really, no point. Not even in the same reality as that anymore at the moment. ]

[Oh, there he goes. The laughter that spills out of Crowley startles him a bit, honestly, but he can't help it when Aziraphale runs with the accidental euphemism that he's created and makes it worse.]

You can't talk like that in Santa's house, angel!

[ ????

??????

Oh for fuck's sake. ]

Then don't listen like that in Santa's house, you menace!

Oh, it's my fault, is it?

[It is absolutely his fault, he's the one who started all this, back on a wall several thousand years ago.]

Blame the demon for everything, hm? That's how it's going to be?

[Aziraphale should throw him out.]

I'm blaming you entirely. Wholeheartedly. Absolutely ridiculous, of all the--

[ It's so unfair. Aziraphale can try to lay out a trail of proverbial verbal rose petals for Crowley to no avail, but Heaven forbid he stumble into an accidental double entendre.

HUFF. ]

You know perfectly well what I really meant.

[At some later point he's going to realize he was just making masturbation jokes with Aziraphale, of all people, and is going to go bright red and need to have a lie down.

But that's later. Right now he's focused on being a menace.]

You've gone properly native, you have. Talking in double speak.

If you're looking at comedy as a first new hobby, I suggest you look harder. You may just find it eventually.

[ He's so mad that he doesn't have a newspaper he can flick to be a dramatic bitch right now. That would really sell it. ]

[If Aziraphale's plan was to distract Crowley, it's a rousing success.]

Now there's an idea, I've plenty of material for a stand up routine. You reckon humans want to hear jokes about Hell?

[Please.

He's being stupid.]

[ Plan? No. Has he benefited nonetheless? Yes. ]

You could probably net a few. [ He's known humans who would think it was a laugh riot. ] Maybe a bit inaccessible large-scale, though.

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