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[ All that wailing and gnashing of teeth and for what. For Aziraphale to look like his brain is only made of pleased exclamation points about it. Quality time AND he wouldn't have to be the one trying to figure out an internet??? Be still his technically unnecessary but still-beating heart.

In a very reserved, austere way, of course. ]

Would you?

[This is the exact response he was after, and yet he still fusses about it, at least internally, because it makes him feel all sorts of things he's trying very hard not to feel.]

Sure. [Like his heart isn't doing little pitter-patters about it.] Someone has to make sure you don't end up getting scammed, the internet's a dangerous place.

[ And so once again... love wins. ]

I'd like that. These things are-- [ He leans back a little and makes an exaggerated hmm sort of a noise about it. ] Well, very much not my forte.

[ By his own choice. But you know. ]

Thank you in advance for the chivalry. [ He will thank him in real-time too. The open thanking economy is much better than it was a few months back, he thinks. ]

[Could he tease Aziraphale about being terrible with technology? Yes. But instead he's going to tease him about thanking Crowley, because that's the part that makes him uncomfortable.]

The definition of chivalry's changed a lot, has it?

[He's not being chivalrous, obviously.]

These things do like to expand their borders over time. Gone a bit 'eye of the beholder,' perhaps?

[ Things he is willing to say in blatant interest of letting Crowley have plausible deniability without personally walking it back, should he so desire. ]

That's a surprising statement from someone who used to be an actual proper knight.

[Teasing Aziraphale really is the best alternative to acknowledging that he's doing something nice.]

I'm still a proper knight. Technically. They never revoked it.

[ Ah yes, the best way to be anything. Technically. ]

If anything, I imagine that makes me an authority on the matter.

Oh, hold on now, if that's a loophole we're using then I ought to still be a knight, too.

[They do both love their loopholes.]

I got discorporated, but I was never de-knighted.

[Has he mentioned he got discorporated during that period before? Maybe. Probably not.]

Edited 2023-09-26 22:25 (UTC)

You got discorporated?!

[ CROWLEY? PLEASE? ]

[Oops.

He sort of sputters and makes some random hand gestures, as if that explains anything.]

You've read the stories! The Black Knight dies a half dozen bloody times, I couldn't pull off a last minute miracle every time!

W- of course I've read all the stories, I just--

[ Just! Assumed they were all exaggerations and dramatizations of clever and convincing tricks that his not-friend very-rival pulled off! And Crowley was fine, if miserable about trekking around in the damp! Reasonable assumptions.

Unreasonable assumptions. Aziraphale flexes his fingers a little bit. A lot bit. He does a contained looking-over of Crowley like there'll suddenly magically be a deadly sword wound he missed even though this happened ages ago and technically to a different body. It's still just Crowley in a tweed ensemble holding a glass of whiskey, though.

He wants to know when, exactly, and he wants to know why and how and was it quick and were you alone and which one, who was it, and maybe his jaw physically aches from swallowing that all back like a consummate professional. But that's fine. ]

I would have thought you'd tell me. [ See. Fine. Soft-toned. Not even accusatory. Things are so normal and casual in here. He's even being a big hypocrite just like normal. ] The next time I saw you, I mean.

[Speaking of hypocrites, Crowley is in the process of wondering why it even matters, ignoring the fact that he'd also probably flip his shit if he learned that Aziraphale had basically died. It happened so long ago, though, Aziraphale doesn't need to worry about him.]

It wasn't a big deal. [Just a fair bit of pain and discomfort and dying alone and then paperwork on the other end until he could get back up to Earth.] Hell was pretty reasonable about the whole thing, since they were the ones asking me to go around picking fights with Arthur's lot.

[If he thinks about it, someone probably gave him the job with the hope that he'd get discorporated and suffer a bit.]

[ Wasn't a big deal. Oh, yes, of course. Silly of him. Just a presumably violent physical death and waiting around in literal Hell to have a body reissued.

Not horrific at all. Aziraphale's mind will surely not devote swathes of time to picking over the concept like a starved vulture, in that case. ]

Hm. [ Nice flat hm.

There's a world of difference, he imagines, between standard reasonable and "pretty reasonable for Hell" reasonable. Much in the way that there's a difference between saying Hell asked Crowley to do anything versus the reality of the matter. ] How very professional of them.

[Crowley is a lot of things, and sometimes stupid is one of them, but in this case he knows Aziraphale well enough to know that something is up, even if he's too stupid to understand why.]

Are you cross with me about this?

[Is he just being a bitch because he likes to know things and didn't get told about this???]

What? Don't be ridiculous. Why would I be cross with you about it?

[ Well. A little bit, maybe, about the "wasn't a big deal," because Aziraphale absolutely begs to differ. But Aziraphale is holding that at the not-yet-accurate-to-say-cross level until he's certain where he lands.

Which could very well never happen, at his going rate. ]

[Crowley grumbles under his breath a little, since now he has to do something embarrassing, like explain himself.]

You've got that face on. [This does not help.] The one you get when you're cross about something and pretending not to be.

[And the only thing that's come up in the last minute is Crowley getting discorporated, and that's Crowley's own damn fault, so...]

[ Oh, to be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known by a demon who simultaneously can't seem to grasp the point of what he's knowing.

Aziraphale's face does the opposite of taking a journey. It tries to pretend that he's not home, even though after the doorbell rang, he was clearly spotted closing the curtains. ]

I'm sure I don't know what you mean. My face is extremely straightforward. Definitively not cross. [ If there's a thought in this head, it abandoned ship and went tragically adrift on a lifeboat some years ago. Obviously. ] No fuss merited.

[ This isn't about him, anyway. Shouldn't be.

Well.

Not that he imagines Crowley wants to-- reflect on what he went through, either, instead of redirecting. Can't really blame him for that. No, no, Aziraphale will just. Think on the matter later. Without Crowley. And try not to circle around things like, what if Hell hadn't been feeling pretty reasonable on the matter? ]

[The look that Crowley gives him says I know you're full of shit, on account of the fact that he does, in fact, know Aziraphale is full of shit. He hasn't spent several thousand years watching him to not know his expressions.]

If you want to be like that, fine. [Insert a stupid little mocking head wiggle.] You're not cross with me.

[He does not even remotely sounds like he believes it. He's trying to sound as skeptical as possible, which is pretty skeptical.]

Hardly my fault that everyone was running about with swords, looking to do heroic deeds.

[ God. Crowley is so blasted intelligent and clever and observant, and for what? ]

Quite. As I've said. [ Succinctly, even! How very not cross he is with Crowley!

Wasn't a big deal.

He could have just been gone. Aziraphale wouldn't have known why or how, either, he'd have had to finally manage to have a look at a record or submit an inquiry or, Heaven forbid, try to have a conversation with whoever they sent to take Crowley's post to find out.

But obviously he can't just say he's cross at himself for not knowing this happened and for not being there, and cross at himself for the imaginary hypothetical timeline that he just invented where that's exactly what happened and it took him ages to figure anything out, because it sounds very stupid to say that. It doesn't help to say it. There's no point.

And he can't say he thinks he's a little bit cross about wasn't a big deal, it's actually quite a big deal, it's extremely important to him and he's always wanted Crowley to be safe, and he hopes that Crowley doesn't really think it's not one, that he's trying to play it cool, because that's all far too complicated and fraught to explain. And it also technically makes Crowley right about who he's cross with, which he clearly can't allow. ]

If I were cross, which I'm not-- [ And it has to be true because he's said it many times. He sets his drink back down. He needs more power for gesturing. He needs more fingers he can bend to fizzle all his stupid-things energy out of. ] But, but if I were, I would imagine it's more about the situation at large than at you, specifically, for being murdered.

[ It's ridiculous he even had to explain this when it was so completely obvious and clear from the first moment because of how good Aziraphale is at feelings and verbalizing??? ]

[A few years ago he wouldn't have pushed the point quite so hard, might not have even brought it up in the first place despite how obvious it was that Aziraphale was annoyed, because he's always worried about being too much. Going too fast, paying too close attention, as if it's something that Aziraphale really doesn't want. They've had to be careful, but it's more than that, too.

They've known each other for millennia, they've been friends for millennia, Crowley shouldn't be scared that Aziraphale will suddenly decide to throw him out on his arse if he's not — perfect. But it's hard not to feel as if he's constantly on thin ice, not when there's so much that Aziraphale is worried about.

The fear has eased slightly, since the world didn't end. They made it through that, through all the arguments and danger and risk, so it's likely fine, to push a little harder than he used to.]

I wasn't murdered, just lost a fight.

[Still, the answer is enough to make him soften.]

S'always been a risk with the job, hasn't it? The paperwork is the worst part, really, and waiting down in Hell for the new corporation.

[He's only ever complained about it in an abstract sense, not wanting to cause concern, but it has happened once or twice over his long existence.]

[ Aziraphale gives him a look that says he personally thinks it was basically a murder. Even if it sort of technically wasn't. It also technically sort of was. Source: his opinion.

Risk and reality are different. Hell and Heaven are different in how they handle these things. ]

Well I much prefer having you on Earth. Un-risked.

[ Romantic things to say in a still-sour tone, not even making eye contact.

Maybe the lesson all along was "don't do it again or I'll change my mind and be very cross with you (false)." ]

[This was such a weird conversation; he probably never should have mentioned the discorporation in the first place, since now he has to think about why this seems to bother Aziraphale so much.]

That's certainly the plan. Anyway, it's been millennia since I last got discorporated, once I stopped bothering with hands on temptations.

[No more running about in the damp playing at being a knight.]

[ Hm. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

It's been millennia, has it. Not since this incident but since it's happened. Local angel hates things that he can't do things about or feel a sense of control in. Shocking.

Well. Well. Just have to stretch millennia out into the rest of eternity. Should be fine. It's fine. Aziraphale will pack it all into the mental box where the things that feel completely fine go. He'll unruffle his feathers, however minutely. ]

We'll be sure to keep that up. Especially here. [ Who knows what a discorporation would even look like in this reality? Best not to find out. Very much a joint effort worth taking up. ] I always preferred your hands off work, anyway.

[ See. Normal. ]

[He isn't sure whether he's really buying everything that Aziraphale is selling, but he does know that he's likely pushed as much as he can, so the safe bet is to leave it be for now.]

I'd have expected the other way 'round, much easier to thwart evil when you can just invite it for a drink.

[Fully admitting that he could be distracted from whatever Hellish plot he was undertaking by Aziraphale asking for a drink.

Meanwhile, the hands off stuff tends to work regardless of whether Aziraphale distracts him.]

Much easier to invite evil for a drink if I haven't got to trek through the mud to thwart it first.

[ Debatable.

But the hands off things usually have more individual Crowley flair and creativity. Evil, by default, in a sense. In a less malicious way. It's gay and complicated. ]

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