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LONGESTNIGHT | mortifying ordeal 2k24

[ We're out here... we're at it. Snacks on lock. Beverages even more on lock because how else are they supposed to be expected to get through this. A watch setup that they can be sure no one else will wander in on, because that would make this even weirder.

(Aziraphale was mostly involved with the snacks and drinks, and not at all involved with any sort of tech setup. He's got a little notebook and a stubby pencil in case he needs to jot things down.)

They've agreed on their basic ground rules terms, whatever those look like. Who even truly knows. Probably some no-questions-asked "look away from this" allowances or "don't bring this up until we're done with this ordeal please" codewords or whatever. Maybe there's no real rules and this is the wild west. It's our world to create tbh.

But at least they can be emotionally flayed for public consumption in a warm cozy workshop environment. ]

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[ "In the beginning 11 years ago, two immortal beings decide that it might not be the right time to start an apocalypse."

first of all how dare you ]

[ "Having followed the wrong boy for years, Aziraphale and Crowley must try to find the location of the real Antichrist, perhaps the story of Agnes Nutter and her famous prophecies will hold the answer."

tmw human characters start turning up and 99% of them it's like who tf were they again were they at armageddon???? ]

[ "Following Aziraphale and Crowley's friendship across the ages; in the present day, Agnes Nutter's descendant Anathema arrives in Tadfield on her own mission to save the world."

omg.... the most mortifying part of the mortifying ordeal ]

[ "Aziraphale and Crowley's friendship is tested to the limit as their superiors catch up with them; Armageddon starts in earnest, as the Antichrist's powers wreak havoc across the globe."

never mind this is definitely the most mortifying part ]

[ "Aziraphale and Crowley race toward Tadfield airbase as they attempt to prevent Adam and the Four Horsemen from starting the apocalypse; one has been discorporated and the other is trapped in a flaming motorway."

Crowley wet cat mode confirmed???? idk man this entire episode is fucking wild ]

[ "Adam, Crowley and Aziraphale must work together to fight the powers of heaven and hell and prevent the apocalypse; they find out the fate that awaits them if they do."

It has everything... drama romance suspense being dramatic little bitches making heart eyes at each other. Also the world is fine or whatever. ]

[ Chronological order inside the episode headers is fake. It needs to be on the official record that when Anathema burns the second prophecy book, Aziraphale makes a drama queen sound like he just got stabbed, and snaps his stubby pencil in half in his hand.

He can't believe he was so deceived. The whole time, this was a horror story. ]

[Joking around about their human dopplegangers had been sort of fun, but there's nothing about this process so far that's any kind of enjoyable. And it's only been about five minutes. Watching a face that looks remarkably like his, as he falls stupidly in love with the angel on the wall, is disconcerting. He resists the urge to cast a furtive glance at Aziraphale, hoping that he hasn't noticed that stupid, besotted smile.

The next few scenes are tolerable, if strange, hearing God's voice narrate their story and he can't help wonder if that's a narrative tool chosen by the show runners or if it's a reflection, somehow. If God was actually paying attention.

Best not to think about it.

The Antichrist handover earns a few scoffs from Crowley, at Ligur and Hastur, only to turn to a wince when Satan's voice comes over the radio, calling him darling. He's glad he was wearing glasses, for the next bit, when the instructions come and his expression goes slack.

It's not something he's ever mentioned before, how Hell can share information.]

Satan isn't much for patience. It's not as bad as it looks.

[Just... heading that off at the pass.]

[ Note one: the actors are clearly taking some unfair liberties, because surely Aziraphale would remember if anyone had ever looked at him like that, let alone his favorite person.

Note two: perhaps children needed a Guardian of Embarrassing Incompetence and that's his niche. Good Lord.

Note three: if he ever meets this Hastur or Ligur maybe he has words for them. Just maybe. They don't appreciate Crowley's creative talents enough, frankly. Flash bastard indeed. Jealous little peons doth protest too much.

If there's a note four, this scene and Crowley's explanation interrupt it. Aziraphale is becoming a puffed-up owl. ]

Oh, that's a relief. I was thinking it looked horrifying, but at least now I know it's only awful.

[ Makes sense for Hell and all, but still. Completely uncivilized. This is always the problem with Downstairs. They can do anything to Crowley, anywhere, anytime, and it's out of anyone else's hands.

It's very angelic to hold a grudge against Lucifer, surely. For noble reasons like that. ]

It's not awful.

[The worst part is that it's the truth, except only because he's operating on a different scale than other people might. It isn't really awful, not compared to some of the things that Hell could do to him.]

S'partly why I never asked you 'round the flat much, though. They were even worse with the bloody TV, popping on whenever they felt like it.

Well it looks like it is. You were being entrusted with the lynchpin of Armageddon! They couldn't pin a note to the basket?

[ Why is he even having a strop about this. Because he can and he cares and, maybe, slightly because the implication is that he could have been spending more time with Crowley if not for this utter lack of boundaries.

But isn't that always the case? The never ending list of "if not for"s? ]

I've always thought humans created too many open windows with modern technology... it's dreadful.

[ If Heaven ever tried to issue him a smartphone, he used it as a coaster under a wine glass. Paranoid or based? Only time may tell. ]

Have you met most demons? They're not the brightest lot.

[Himself not included, obviously, since Aziraphale probably wouldn't spend time with him if he was as much of an idiot as someone like Shax or Eric or literally any other demon. There's a few halfway decent ones in the bunch, but not many.]

For once I'll not argue that. Was much easier when the best they could do was send a telegram.

[It's almost convenient timing, that Gabriel shows up out of nowhere, now that Aziraphale's on the screen again.]

Though I suppose it stops them from doing that.

I did get that impression. [ Shitty treason trial. No appreciation for Crowley. Calling him darling when Aziraphale hasn't even got up to those rights, making his driving even more dangerous. Idiots.

Crowley is too smart for them by more than half.

The reenactment of a Gabriel jumpscare puts a damper on any argument to be made about lack of ability to listen in on private moments, and even more of a damper on how lovely the set dressing and casting was for his favorite little sushi place. All in favor of: looking like he swallowed a lemon. Visible and audible disappointment. ]

They're just as capable of 'popping up' as anybody, if they ever wanted to. [ So there.

He's trying not to think about the clearly anxious energy the television Crowley was radiating all through that scene. He's failing.

Gosh, though. Imagine being born a human and growing up to look like Gabriel's corporation... being able to act him out and all. Seems a bit unfair. Not that he supposes the man isn't handsome. Objectively. It's just the association of it all.

Aziraphale hopes with all he has that he's at least a more convincing actor than this in their reality. ]

Too much of a courtesy, I suppose. Hell wants you to go to them. Never mind your busy schedule.

[ As far as Hell knows it's so very busy and full of dark evils, etc etc. He's allowed to try to talk over the part where he gets negged to better fit this narrative. Local archangel came to him at the sushi joint. That's basically a sign of respect, you see.

(He does miss that restaurant now, though. Wait for him... he'll come back one day.) ]

[Crowley makes a noise in the back of his throat, something like disgruntled agreement about the thought of demons popping up. None of this is pleasant, though most of his thoughts are occupied by wanting to throw something at Gabriel's smug face.]

M'sure you'll see proof of that, before this shite is over.

[It's strange, watching as he's mentioned in the conversation; Aziraphale's... anxiety? guilt? fear? How obvious it seems to him, and how Gabriel doesn't even realize that anything's amiss. Turns out angels are stupid, too.]

That's about the sum of it. Beelzebub wasn't too bad, but Hastur and Ligur really weren't fans of yours truly.

[So they enjoyed making life difficult, especially if it reminded Crowley that he was technically below them on the food chain.]

[ Aziraphale invents a drinking game. He'll drain his glass of wine every time Gabriel says miracles are what we do in the first episode of a television series about them. Fantastic game, if he says so himself. Handy to move on from his own secondhand embarrassment.

Can it be secondhand when it's him? Scholars could debate for ages. ]

And Hastur and Ligur were... the two from earlier? Yes. Yes, that's right. [ Look. He really only gives a shit about other demons in relation to how Crowley was treated. If he has to check his little notebook about who's who, that's his business.

Beelzebub is an exception because they were at the air base.

Also an exception: that human man who he also remembers from the air base. Aww. It's Adam's Earthly parents, look at that. ]

Oh, will we get to see the swap for ourselves?

[ Maybe being in a television series has some merit after all? ]

[It's fairly obvious that Crowley notices Aziraphale draining his glass, since he grabs the bottle to refill it, but he doesn't comment on it.]

That'd be them. Ligur's the one that had the incident with holy water, so don't get attached.

[This is A Joke, the sort of thing that someone might say to a friend watching a movie they've already seen, knowing what characters don't make it to the end. But it's funny because no one's going to get attached to Ligur. He's a nightmare.]

Huh, I suppose we might. [There's a slight head tilt as he actually pays attention to the screen again, listening to God's (still fucking weird) narration, talking about winking, of all things.

But despite how strange this is, he still barks out a laugh at the realization.] You know, I always knew those nuns weren't very bright either, but that's got to take the cake. Thank someone it worked out alright, could've been a bloody disaster.

[A couple of the nuns look familiar, too, but he can't quite place them.]

[ One of the many reasons why Crowley is Aziraphale's favorite person in the entire universe. A provider of wine in these dark days.

He just makes Ligur a mental note, then. One of those demons testified at Crowley's trial about the other one. They'll probably get to it. ]

Would have been one for the history books. [ That they don't have. ] I think I'm already starting to worry about the competency precedent being set for our entire reality.

[ Yes, if they'd been competent the world would probably be gone. But good lord, he was sort of hoping they were the only players in the arena. ]

[He's acting entirely selfishly, because he needs to top up his wine, too.

At some point they're going to need to switch to the hard stuff.]

Must all balance out, in the end, if no one's competent.

[It's like watching a bunch of five year olds play football. They're all equally useless, so it's a fair game at the end of the day. He's always sort of thought that, about Heaven and Hell, but it turns out humans can get tossed into the mix as well.

In a few minutes, he's going to be watching himself watch Aziraphale eat, and his wine glass is going to find itself turning into a tumbler of whiskey.

This is awful.]

[Oof.

Crowley winces in sympathy, despite mostly wanting to just lay down on the floor for a few hundred years. Or lock himself in a closet. He hasn't decided yet.]

It was probably blank pages. Agnes must've known she'd burn it.

[Does that help? He hopes that helps.]

[There's so much to unpack during Hard Times but let's spare a moment for Crowley's sanity after he saved Aziraphale's books in 1941 and the music fucking swells as Aziraphale looks at him walking away????

Is that his lietmotif??? From the lullaby???

He's going to lose his mind and he can't even react right now because he can't handle any response from Aziraphale, either negative or positive. He's doing everything in his power not to break his glass as he stares at the screen.]

[ ykw that's fair he can have his minute for sanity. Aziraphale is busy going a tiny bit red in the face because the entire show just put him on blast even more than it already was. Right in front of his petit fours??? Oh god. Everything in this episode has already been insane and they're only in the beginning of it. A fucking parade of him embarrassingly looking at Crowley while Crowley's not looking at him, and here is the coup de gras.

Aziraphale pulls the mental emergency cord and suddenly starts finding the walls and the floor absolutely fascinating. He's fiddling with his hands. The whole nine yards.

Does this stop him from also shooting strategically spaced out twitterpated side glances all over again because oh, it was nearly exactly how he remembered, and he has to admit it's-- quite lovely to revisit? No. But Crowley's not looking at him out here in real life either. He's as casual as ever about it, somehow, like it wasn't--

Well, spilled milk and all that. Probably a blessing, if Crowley's missed the implications. He's probably having apparently-traumatic flashbacks to the bullet catch trick in advance. Bitch is going through it.

So sneaking some looks is fine. This is all fine and normal actually. Crowley can have his valiantly-unbroken glass topped off, as a little treat. ]

[ Live Aziraphale reaction: 🥺

That actually does help quite a lot. Agnes knew about his cocoa, surely she would have foreseen this tragedy. ]

Do you really think so?

[Reassurance successful, he got the 🥺 face.]

'Course. She was bloody well good enough to know which exact piece of burnt paper would fly off, she ought to know some witch would set the sequel on fire. I'd bet twenty quid that she put all that paper together so... what was it? Anathema? So Anathema could feel in control of her own life.

[Humans are like that, they want to have choices. Agnes made it look like she was giving one to Anathema, even if she might have predicted the outcome.]

Yes. Yes, of course, yes, I'm sure she... did precisely that. Funny old thing.

[ Regular normal human behavior, as humans who lay out years and years of prophecy to which their descendants feel overwhelmingly obligated and duty-sworn. And all.

Agnes probably would have done that, wouldn't she? Knowing everything else and what they saw of her? All part of her vision? She was just. Providing closure for her descendant. Aziraphale's superfluous heartbeat needs to believe this because otherwise it's far too upsetting. ] I suppose it's not another terrible loss of literature if, if nothing was actually lost.

[ Even though there are now zero original works of Agnes Nutter, Witch, in the world. Empty or not. Oh, that's such a shame. ]

[It's a moment of revelation. That's what the music is, what Aziraphale's expression means. Crowley's watched more than enough movies to know how these narratives work. The show moves on, to a back room in a dingy pub, but Crowley isn't really paying attention to that.

He's too busy wondering what it is that Aziraphale realized, standing there in the ruins of a church. It was because of the books, but not about the books, not really, or he would've been looking at them, not at Crowley.

I'm always looking at you.

It turns out that's far more true than he thought, after watching this bloody show, with all the glances directed his way when his back was turned or his attention caught by something else. It's not like he hasn't done the same, and he's going to have to deal with that at some point, but it's far in the back of his thoughts at present.

He desperately wants to ask, but when he risks a brief glance in Aziraphale's direction, it suddenly feels too invasive. He's witnessed something that wasn't meant to be witnessed. It wouldn't be right to pry further.]

I'd have — [He's a bit startled at how tight his voice sounds, and he has to clear his throat, as much as he hates how obvious it makes him.] — I'd have thought they'd show the bullet catch. That whole mess would've made for good television.

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LONGESTNIGHT | mortifying ordeal 2k24

1. IN THE BEGINNING

2. THE BOOK

3. HARD TIMES

4. SATURDAY MORNING FUNTIME

5. THE DOOMSDAY OPTION

6. THE VERY LAST DAY OF THE REST OF THEIR LIVES

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